Thoughts That Went Through My Mind As I Ate Panera’s Asian Sesame Chicken Salad

At my office, our lunch is paid for by the company, which is great, although it also means that we generally have to stay pretty close to the office/order from a nearby restaurant. Today we ordered from Panera Bread, which I guess people in St. Louis will tell you should actually be called St. Louis Bread Company. I ordered the Asian Sesame Chicken Salad. This is what scrolled through my brain as I had my lunch break.

 

1st Bite: Uh oh.

3rd Bite: The dressing tastes like weird diet dressing with some kind of fake sugar in it.

4th Bite: Is that a crouton? Why are there croutons in here?

8th Bite: I still haven’t seen or tasted any sesame. Just the saccarine from the dressing.

9th Bite: I THINK I JUST CUT THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH

10th Bite: OWW

11th Bite: OWW

12th-16th Bite: OWW (you get the idea)

17th Bite: Oh, I think it was just scratched. Feels better. Still doesn’t taste good though.

20th Bite: Seriously, another crouton. He must feel so alone, surrounded by mediocre wonton strips. Little does he know that he’s probably safe, since he isn’t even supposed to be here today.

21st Bite: …unless he wanted to be eaten. Then he’s outta luck today, because it looks like he soaked up a lot of that filthy dressing.

23rd Bite: I think I figured out the secret to this salad is, counter-intuitively, not using the dressing. Also, eating somewhere else.

24th Bite: It’s called “Panera Bread” dude. USE YOUR BRAIN NEXT TIME

25th Bite: Stop being such a whiny bitch. It was free, and there are people starving who would love to have this salad.

26th Bite: …but subjecting them to this is probably a class 2 misdemeanor in fourteen states.

28th Bite: Luckily the dressing only covered about 1/6th of the salad, otherwise we might have been in trouble.

30th Bite: May I be excused to go finish my homework, please?

 

PostScript: At around this time the salad was more or less reduced to soggy bits of lettuce that had stubbornly clung to the dressing, which I didn’t feel like eating. The piece of bread that came with the salad, however, was reasonable.